There is a form of fatigue that doesn’t come from having extra workload.
On the contrary, it comes from having nothing.
Nothing but uncertainty.
When multiple life domains collapse simultaneously.
No career.
No finances.
No relationships, family or friends.
No future direction.
Evolving identity.
The longer we live in uncertainty,
the heavier and more futile efforts feel.
The more our motivation fluctuates.
Even routine tasks feel exhausting.
Waking up every day trying to
find meaning in living everyday life.
find things to do to fill the daily void.
create a daily structure that doesn’t require finance or effort.
This is what structural exhaustion is.
Living in Structural Exhaustion
“Living life without structure, aim or direction.
While trying to keep upbeat
To live in the moment.
Keep hope. Keep on going
I tell myself
Something will work out
Sure, it will.
I have done everything I could.
I even checked my thoughts,
not once, not twice, but a million times.
I told myself many affirmations.
To convince my brain to see what I don’t.
I prayed and prayed and prayed,
for direction, inspiration or alteration.
In fact, I even prayed
for anything
to start working
Somehow. Somewhere.
I cried blood and tears.
What do I need to do?
Where did I miss looking?
When would it get better?
I tried to pick up my scattered courage.
One more day. One more step. One more prayer.
It old myself
It couldn’t get worse. It surely couldn’t.
It does and it will,
is what Life said.”
Cursing The Unfair Universe
For a long period of time,
I followed every new-age fad I heard of.
Read as many self-help books as I possibly could.
Internalized all the advice
Tried them to change my life.
How can I escape this mind?
How can I change how it thinks so it doesn’t screw me over?
How can I imagine a better life when all I see is far from it?
But none worked for me.
On the contrary, I became more scared and paranoid.
Constantly watching my thinking; thinking of my thinking to prevent my thinking from thinking any bad thoughts.
From projecting fear.
From attracting the wrong people.
I also blamed God, fate, karma, the universe and bad luck.
Doing that made me angry, powerless, and bitter.
Living in misery and cursing my fate.
Cursing at this ruthless universe, which continues to
Help some people while breaking some.
Feed some people while starving some.
Bless some people while killing some.
Raise some people while crushing some.
And there was a clear pattern of who the universe liked to help.
A lot of them were “not good” people by the standards of moral judgment.
The Universe is a System
When I started looking at the universe through the system’s lens
Everything suddenly started making sense.
Because I stopped understanding the universe through
the religious perspective I was raised with.
or
the emotional perspective of someone who continues to suffer because she was born in the wrong place.
I was free to reflect on it without feeling guilt, fear or need for protection.
That is when I found the four premises that govern the universe as a system
1st: the universe is neutral
It doesn’t have feelings, preferences or prejudice.
because these require separation
between what we perceive as good/evil, love/hate, light/dark, etc.
From the universe’s perspective, nothing is separate.
Everything is just is.
our misery and happiness
our needs and dreams
our desires and pain
They don’t matter.
Because they are just illusions created by us,
fragments reflecting different particles of the whole.
2nd: the universe is governed by coherence
What truly matters for the universe is not how each fragment lives or feels.
But what the collective fragments create.
Do they create cohesion or chaos?
If chaos is what is created.
Then the universe will have to recalibrate itself.
So, what we see in terms of natural disasters,
is the universe’s attempt to restore cohesion through the chaos we created
It doesn’t matter if our involvement is explicit, implicit, active or passive.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a baby, a child, elderly, a saint or a tyrant.
We all pay for the collective chaos created by us occupying this universe.
3rd: the universe wouldn’t help or intervene
As humans, we like to think that the universe is biased towards us.
That it favors us. That it will reward us.
But it doesn’t.
Because that would require deliberation, intention and feelings.
But the universe is neutral.
So, no matter how much we like to think that the universe (or God or whatever we want to believe in) is actively helping and showing us the way.
It is merely our wishful thinking. It’s our ego’s desire to see it that way.
To feel righteous, powerful and protected.
To deny its responsibility of the chaos it created.
To keep on doing what it is good at doing.
protecting itself and its existence.
4th: the universe doesn’t care
Even though we like to think of ourselves as important and mighty,
that we are made in the image of the creator, and
that there are no other creatures who are better than us.
The truth is that we are only insignificant fragments in an infinite system.
Our personal failures or successes don’t make or break how it functions.
The sun will rise and set every day.
The stars will be born and explode.
The animals will go on with their lives.
The planets will continue to circle around the sun.
The galaxies will continue to exist.
Life and death will continue to happen.
This realization can and will feel unsettling.
Because it removes the expectation
of inherent fairness or meaning.
of power outside ourselves that is responsible for what happens to us.
of reasons to judge others, and excuse ourselves.
of having special entitlement.
Living Life Without Cosmic Guarantee
When this realization about the universe is examined deeply, it can introduce a special kind of clarity.
“If the universe does not organize itself around human preference, then outcomes are not personal. They are structural.”
Conditions, timing, interaction of factors and choices.
This does not diminish human experience of pain and unfairness.
It simply reframes its meaning.
That it is our responsibility to carry the collective chaos we are part of.
That the Gods of natural disasters will not strike the bad only.
That the Gods of luck do not favor the good only.
That this life is a collection of consciousness and ego intertwined in eternal dance.
That it is our duty to choose which dance we want to join, and that passivity will only increase the ego’s power.
Moreover, accepting that the Universe is not responsible for saving us is not the end of this path.
There are many other realities we must face and accept.
Personally, one of the scariest realities I had to face in my life is the possibility of not having the ONE THING I desired all my life.
I always dreamt of having the love and support of a husband and my children. The belonging with my own family.
This, of course, is the outcome of childhood trauma. Of not having love, support or belonging at the time when I needed them the most.
It is hard to build solid grounds when one is starting from no grounds at all.
So, the mind dreams of miracles to produce that solid ground. In different shapes and forms. Mine was having loving kindness and a family of my own.
This desire made me go through many traumatizing experiences. Choosing to be around the wrong people and seeking stability in the wrong places.
But as time keeps passing by, biology speaks louder than dreams.
And just like I had to grief the life I didn’t get to live because of whatever circumstances I was born with,
I had to face the possibility that I would never have the family, the love, the husband and the children I always dreamt of.
It is certainly not the only possibility in life, but it is one of the probabilities that exist and the scariest for me to face.
For many nights.
Just the thought of it was enough to squeeze my heart so hard, fill my throat with a painful lump and bring out streams of intense tears from my eyes.
But to me, facing this probability was much better than keeping my head in the sand waiting for a miracle that may never arrive.
Better than keeping false hopes of something I suffered greatly trying to make it happen.
And so, the moment I accepted that possibility, I didn’t have to face it, dream of it or wait for it anymore.
It no longer affects my life decisions or my feelings of love or belonging to myself.
In fact, I feel more powerful than I ever was.
Because now I don’t have to worry about life plans that may not happen.
I can be open to life unfolding while I live it.
I can face challenges without depending on outside power to rescue me.
I am no longer at the mercy of anything, including the universe.
Final Thoughts
Don’t get me wrong.
It still feels very difficult to keep peace of mind while life hurls one challenge after another my way.
And life has been generous to me in that regard.
But that is not the Universe’s fault. Nor is it my fault. Nor anyone’s fault.
Every human has their challenges.
We walk in this maze called life and knock on doors that appear in front of us.
Some open revealing monsters in the form of human beings inside.
Some open revealing human beings covered in their own shadows.
Some open revealing humans that feel like God-sent angels.
And some doors don’t open at all.
Whether we faced monsters, humans, angels or closed doors.
Each of these experiences will teach us something and direct us somewhere.
If we don’t learn, we will continue facing similar doors until we do.
Once we do, we move on to next stage.
But there is no guarantee that next stage will be easier.
It’s almost like an RPG game. Our role is to level up until we face the big boss.
Our deepest ego.
But every time we level up, we reach the acceptance stage where we can save the game.
So, we don’t have to start over again.
All we need to do is to move forward from there and be as ready as we can.
With a renewed sense of liberation.
Because
Without the guarantee of external force to come and save us,
We can participate more actively in shaping our own experiences in this game called Life.
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i like the gaming notion of “leveling up” in life’s game too. well done!